My Goal 2011

So this is what I have decided to do for the new year….nothing.  I know that sounds nothing like me.  I always have something going on, my hand in some kind of something, and a long lists of to dos.  All of that is still there, but this last year, especially the last few months, I feel like they just passed me by.  I feel like I didn’t enjoy enough stuff.  Of course I have the pictures, I have the memories, but in the moment did I really enjoy what ever it was to the fullest?  If I am honest, then the answer is no. 

When I am driving in my car, I have a tendency to let my mind wonder.  The majority of the time I am making a mental list of all the things I need to take care of, but today while working out at the gym I had a moment.  I had a sense of I was missing something.  Not like I had lost something but that something was happening and I was not apart of it.  I quickly ran over all the recent events and my planner in my head.  I couldn’t put my finger on it.  Then it donned on me, I missed being at home with Gracie and Matt.  Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy having my time alone, but I hate knowing I could be missing something.  It is something that I have been dealing with a lot since Matt deployed and came back (or at least that is when I noticed I do this a lot.)  I am always wondering what is going on elsewhere and not enjoying what I am doing at that present time.  For example, when I went home on vacation, I spent more time then I should have wondering what I was missing at work.  Now, I have a very laidback job.  Which means, not much happens there, but I couldn’t shake the feeling.  Other times, if I am out on a much deserve girls day or even just out taking some “me” time, I find myself rushing back home.  Most of that is I miss being at home with my family, but a little of it is that I have that urgency that I am going to not be apart of a good moment.  It has become such a habit that I think I am robbing myself of the memories of moments that are happening when I am there.

I have decided that I am going to take a step back and force myself to realize that I am going to miss some things, but I am not going to miss everything.  If I am honest with myself, I would admit that this may have a huge tiny bit to do with control.  I have made drastic improvements in this area, but I still have a ways to go.  I am sharing this with you because I feel like as a mom, we may all have this “nagging” feeling more often then not.  Especially those of us that are working moms.  It is a choice we have made to be working moms, regardless if it has to do with finances or the fact you love your job, but I know it is something I have dealt with.  For me, I feel much better just talking about it, acknowledging that even though this isn’t something that is going to keep me from doing anything, but that it is something I struggle with.  By speaking up, maybe I can relax just a little bit and learn how to enjoy the moment and not constantly be looking around the corner for the next moment or worry about something that I may miss.

So here is to 2011, a year of enjoying the present, looking back on the past, and anticipating the future (but not obsessing about it!)